Relief

Relief. I could use some right about now.

It occurred to me yesterday morning, as I drove home from the hospital, the stress I’ve been under lately. And the stress hubby has been under. It hit me like a ton of bricks and the realization overwhelmed me.

We lost a baby. Became pregnant again shortly after and spent 12 agonizing weeks worrying and worrying about that baby, only to lose her. Had surgery only to develop a post surgical infection that healed, then came back. Went through the holiday season (which is stressful in even the best years), went on a long road trip. I’ve had 2 colds and the flu, Rowenna has had recurrent sinus infections and a bout of pink eye. One of our cars reached the point of barely-driveable, forcing us to purchase a vehicle much sooner than we anticipated. Hubby works 50+ hours each week and is also taking a grad school class. He will be taking a major pay cut this fall due to things completely beyond his control. I’ve been doing political advocacy work which is rewarding but exhausting. I also want to go back to work, to contribute financially, but I haven’t yet found a job that will cover the expense of day care. Yesterday afternoon our oven completely died, and long story short, it isn’t a matter of simply replacing it, but also doing a major kitchen renovation.

And for the final straw, Rowenna just spent 3 days in the hospital for a wicked respiratory infection.

I just…can’t. I can’t do this anymore, can’t keep up this pace. Something’s got to give but I’m not sure what. Hubby walks around like a zombie. I know he’s giving his all to his job, and in his field that just goes with the territory, but it’s weighing on him differently these days. And I can almost see our financial concerns hanging around his neck. I don’t know how to help him other than to keep his after work hours as stress free as possible, but I am worried about him. I want to be a rock for him, as he has been for me, but I’m crumbling, too, and not much good for support.

I really thought we were doing ok. Honestly and truly. But Rowenna being in the hospital brought everything into sharp focus – our general parenting worries, our worries about her health, our financial worries, our worries about where to go from here.

And to be honest, I’m not really sure what to do or say or write. We’ve been working out and trying to eat healthier. We are trying to set aside time to relax and have fun. We try to spend wisely while also allowing for a little bit of fun. But it seems like whenever we take a step forward, we end up taking a leap backwards. We try to do everything the right way, the responsible way and…it still piles up. It’s like treading water with weights tied to our ankles.

So I’m writing. Putting this out there to the universe. I’m sharing because I’ve decided to blog more, and blog what I’m feeling, instead of always waiting for something cute to say about Rowenna. Hoping that things will start looking up for my family. And hoping that you all understand the need to vent as part of the healing process.

Things will improve. I know they will. We just have to figure out how to deal with the in between time.