Wistful, Wondering

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

This day is a bittersweet day for me. I think of the babies that were not born into this world. I think of the pain, both physical and emotional, of their losses.

But I also think of the incredible kindness shown to me by family and friends. Kind words, hugs, a bag of treats left on the doorstep. I think of that beautiful, pure joy that came when I saw a positive pregnancy test and forget the worry that would always immediately follow.

This year I have sweet Afton on my hip, a baby I waited for and worried over each and every day of her pregnancy. There were days during her pregnancy when I was sure she, too, would leave. There were nights I woke up, pulled out a doppler, and listened to her heartbeat, so sure that while I slept she had passed.

Most days I leave those memories alone and am happy to revel in the vibrant girls who are here with me. But on this day, I think of those moments.

On this day I allow myself a chance to wonder about who my babies might have been. Would they look like hubby, like Afton does? Or like me, as Rowenna does? Would they love music? Would they love cats?

And it’s wistful, all this wondering. Fuzzy pictures brought into a moment of clarity as I take the time to remember and wonder. I think about having a 4 year old and a 1.5 year old chasing each other around. I think of singing songs to a Clementine instead of an Afton. I think of another baby with blue eyes or blond hair. One with curls. Flights of fancy to wonder who they might have been.

While this day carries with it the pain of things never to be, I do find comfort in visiting with my babies in this way. For a day they feel a little fuller, a little more real.

At the end of the day I will snuggle with Afton. I will soak up her wholeness and feel her warmth. I will admire how she looks like a tiny version of hubby and how her eyes are the same color as my dad’s. A baby born of hope.

Wishing my fellow families who walk this path peace and light today. You and your babies are not forgotten.

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